PNQ

I just submitted my personal narrative questions! They were...not that great. I started off with this plan to hit all of the 13 dimensions and the 6 whatever-elses in as many questions as possible, but then life happened, and I kind of gave up. There's a quality the foreign service is looking for! Ugh.

I think I chose some great experiences, but I didn't answer the questions strategically. I'm also not sure I explained the situations very clearly. I honestly just wanted to finish writing, hit submit, and have the questions be someone else's problem for a while.

Can you tell that my motivation for joining the foreign service has flagged? I think this is probably normal considering the process is so long and can seem like such a long-shot. Meanwhile, life continues all around me, and I need to focus on living it. I've become more invested in fixing up our house (it was built in 1925, so there's plenty to do), moving into a different teaching position next year, learning French, and trying hard to spend a little more time living in the present.

I also keep weighing the pros and cons of joining the service in the first place. The pros are always clear to me, but the cons come and go depending on what else is going on in my life. Lately, the biggest con is that my partner won't be able to work. That will be a big loss for us financially– maybe not in the immediate present since the service takes care of major costs like housing, but it will have a big impact on our retirement. And if I never make it into the senior foreign service one day, I'll be out and looking for a job before I'm ready to retire. That's scary.

As far as living in other countries, I'm mostly okay with that except when it comes to one thing: food. I'm big on healthy eating, and I know that a lot of my American luxuries cannot be found abroad. Even some basic items that I like to use in my cooking will be unavailable. And there are also safety issues with food in a lot of developing countries. I'm a little bit obsessive when it comes to my food, so that would be a huge adjustment. That sounds silly, but it's a big deal for me.

There are also days when I worry a lot about being gay in certain countries. I know that some countries absolutely will not allow me to bring my partner, which means we risk being separated for two years. I would be really upset if I couldn't share two years of my life with him. In many other countries, we will have to be very discreet about the nature of our relationship. I'm used to that, but I really don't like it. I also love living in a city with a very active gay community. My partner sings in a gay men's chorus, we have a lot of gay friends, there's a gay theater group, community organizations, parties, and so on. I've spent so much of my life feeling like an outsider, so it's great to feel "at home" around people like me. That's not a problem in Western Europe, but in a lot of places there is no gay community, or if there is it's very hard to tap into as a foreigner. This isn't a deal breaker, but it's a definite annoyance.

But there are also days where I'm just so bored with my life here in the States. I mean, it's okay. I don't hate it. But there's a lot of routine. My partner was going through some photos he took in Korea when we lived there, and it brought back so many memories. It felt like we were constantly MAKING MEMORIES there, whereas now I feel like we're just living our lives. There won't be much to remember, and the months and years just run together. I don't want that for my life or for our relationship.

I'm not sure what I want exactly. If someone offered me a position in the foreign service right now, I would definitely take it. But I would have some reservations. I know that's normal. I guess what I'm trying to do now is to get the rest of my life to "normal" so that I can be happy no matter the outcome.

I'm rambling. The important thing: PNQs are done, and now the long wait begins.

Fires in the Oven

October wasn't a great month for me. My grandmother, who was diagnosed with lung cancer several years ago, took a turn for the worse and passed away a few weeks ago. Luckily, I was able to drive down to San Antonio to see her during her last days and attend her funeral later in the week. It was all very sad.

My dad also has cancer; he was diagnosed last summer. His form of cancer is much more treatable than my grandmother's, but it's still been a struggle for him. He's been dealing with chemo and radiation treatments, and he's had to eat through a feeding tube. He also keeps ending up in the hospital for dehydration and low-grade fevers. His final treatment was last week, though, so hopefully he will start improving soon. I try to visit when I can-- I spent my birthday in his hospital room bonding with him and my family-- but I'm just not very close by. It's really hard to be so far away and unable to take him to his appointments or help my mom out with the workload. I feel guilty about it.

All of this cancer has had me concerned, of course, so I finally went to the doctor for a check-up. It had probably been about 10 years since my last check-up, so I was really worried something would show up. All of my blood work came back normal, but I did have a couple of moles removed from my back because they looked suspicious. I'm also supposed to have skin checks every year since I have so many odd moles. Hearing that was a bit scary. I'm just so sick of cancer already!

And as if that wasn't enough, I got a really bad case of food poisoning last week while some friends were visiting from out of town. I can't remember the last time I was that sick, and I had to miss two days of work. When I got back, someone from the admin building showed up, and we had a bit of a disagreement about how to teach newcomer ESL students. I won't go into details, but I feel like I need to find a new job next year. I love my students and my campus, but I'm not sure staying in this position long-term is what's best for me. That's been a very depressing thought, especially since I feel like I've accomplished so much this year.

I might also mention that our house's appraisal came back too low for us to refinance, which meant we lost $700 for the appraisal and a lot of time and energy. Our property taxes also increased a lot, so we owe more than we have in escrow at the moment. And there was a storm that knocked down a tree in the backyard, along with a piece of our gutter. Sometimes I wonder why we decided to be homeowners--- it's been very expensive!

It was hard to stay positive with all of these problems piling up, but eventually some good news came my way: I passed the Foreign Service Officer's Test! I'd actually taken it in Waco on my way back from my grandmother's funeral, and I wasn't sure what the outcome would be when I finished. I thought job knowledge could go either way, my bio questions weren't very good at all, and my essay was great but a bit short. The only thing I was confident about was the English expression section. Anyway, it all worked out because I passed.

I'm now working on the personal narrative questions. Or, rather, I'm now working on this blog update because I'm procrastinating. I think I have some great experiences to write about in response to the questions, but getting started is always so difficult for me. There are also two guys in my living room right now banging, hammering, and vacuuming up sawdust as they work on our new floors (no more falling through the cracks!), so I could also blame them for my inability to concentrate.

What else has been happening? I've stopped trying to keep up with The Economist, and I'm not reading any foreign service-related books at the moment (just Harry Potter #5 in Spanish). I was surprised by how little all of my studying actually helped me on the FSOT, so I feel like I should lay off a bit and enjoy life more. I managed to pass without much help from all of those books, so what good would it be to read more and more?

I started classes at the Alliance Française last Saturday. I'm really excited about improving my French, especially since I'm hoping to find a job as a French teacher next year. I need to pass an exam before May if I want to add it to my list of certifications in time to find a job, so I need to cram as much in my head as possible. I already feel fairly confident about my reading abilities, but my listening comprehension and speaking lag far, far behind. My grammar is also pretty shaky.

I'm trying to stay focused on what's in front of me right now: PNQs and learning as much French as possible before next year. There's a current opening for a Spanish/French teacher at a talented and gifted school here--- I'm not sure if it will still be open next year, but I think it's hard to find one person who can teach both of those languages in Texas, so they might not be able to fill it. I think that would be an ideal teaching position for me if I can just pass these exams. We'll see what happens. The future is a mystery at this point; all I can do is try to prepare for whatever path makes itself available to me. I'm hoping the foreign service presents itself as an option; it's looking more real than ever before.